So much for doing a Ramadan blog like I originally planned. I was going to do a blog about food in Ramadan, but I haven’t been much of the Ramadan chef lately. I also thought about doing a blog about the life of a non-faster. See, Ramadan got off to a rocky start as it does every year for me. You know how the moon sighting has kind of become a ramadan tradition? Well for me the Ramadan tradition is basically throwing a pity party at the beginning of Ramadan on not being able to fast.
I swear this has been the hardest Ramadan of my life. I literally just spent 20 min crying for no reason. I was supposed to finish this blog post ages ago. Surprisingly I do have food posts to show. Rather than me cooking though, my brother did. It’s just so hard grasping that I have to really understand that there’s more to Ramadan than fasting. Or Atleast there’s a different type of fast. For me it’s a fast of the mind for sure.
I have not done nearly as much as I had planned this year. I sadly barely even prayed. I thought maybe writing would help. Anxiety is at an all-time high. I just feel like such a screw up. I’ve been told that since I screwed up the beginning of Ramadan I could Atleast try to make the most of what’s left of it.
Speaking of making the most of what’s left, I just recently found out about the passing of brother Ali Banat. Watching his story made me really sad and I never even met the guy or new much about him til recently. He said that we have to make the most of what time we have and just do Something with our lives particularly to help others. Kind of reminded me of a quote from Muhammad Ali, “Service to others is the rent you pay for your time here on earth.” Today my anxiety was at an all-time high because I imagined what it would be like if something happened to my parents. I also find myself thinking about how I’ll never marry.
I want to be a writer. In order to be a writer I have to write. I have all these stories jumbled up in my head needing to come out. It’s just been really rough when I feel like I can’t do anything in Ramadan. This used to be my favorite time of the year, now I just find myself crying. I realize it’s no longer the beginning of Ramadan, but I started this post and I’m determined to finish it. I do have food posts. I need to empty my photo album in my phone because my phone keeps telling me I have no space…oops. I was also supposed to limit social media this year, yah that didn’t happen. Maybe it’s a good thing it didn’t happen because Atleast my friends keep me sane. Anyway, I’ll be ok. God always gets me out of my rut. Here’s to hoping I don’t screw up the rest of Ramadan and I do what I thought I was going to do.
The life of a non-faster is quite complicated. It’s nice to find people who are in the same situation though because other people just don’t understand. I’ve had people assume I was faking it. I’m like uh lemme fast then and you’ll see me at my janazah at the end of the month. I realize that since I’m not fasting in the traditional sense I really have to pay attention to the part about the fast of the mind and spirit. I think this is the part that traditional tasters sort of forget in my opinion. It applies to everyone not just me. Only this year, I haven’t been able to think straight. I keep saying I’ll get my shit together, so why won’t I? There’s always something missing when I don’t fast. There’s also something missing when I feel like I haven’t cooked much either. All I can think about is writing. If I think about it I need to be it.
Photographer Danial Shah wants to show the world a view of his country that is rarely seen in news stories.
— Read on ideas.ted.com/gallery-the-many-faces-of-life-in-pakistan/
Happy Pakistan Day! I always love showing the Actual Pakistan, not what’s in the news. I’ve been thinking a lot about Pakistan lately and its mountains. They say that mountains are where you spiritually find yourself-or something to that effect. I wonder if any disabled person has ever climbed the highest peaks. Not that I would want to. I like mountains from a distance ok. Yours truly is deathly afraid of heights. I like the idea of climbing a mountain, not actually doing it. Besides the only ones I’ve seen so far are the mountains and hills of Islamabad, I haven’t even gotten to the really huge ones. Knowing me I would probably fall off a cliff or be throwing up off the side of a cliff. Same goes for all the mountains I want to see in Ireland. They look pretty in pictures that’s it.
Cover picture: A Sikh temple in the middle of the mountains in Saidpur Village from a picture I took myself about a year and a half ago.
Do you think being stubborn is a good thing? I honestly feel like I haven’t thought about my disability in my entire life as I have in these past two years. As I sit through Physical Therapy I’m constantly reminded how every member of my family is convinced I should be in it permanently for Spina Bifida when I’m well aware that I’m here for a torn meniscus and I’m trying to avoid surgery.
The other day I discussed swimming with my sister and I told her the only reason I’m reluctant to swim is because I might fall getting into the pool. She suggested a walker which is also a bad idea because I might permanently end up getting stuck with one and yours truly is too stubborn for that.
Anyway, along with writing I’ve started reading thank God. I got my fifth Paulo Coelho book. I started reading “Brida” and it already speaks to me. Paulo has a way of getting to my soul through his work. This book starts off with a woman who wants to learn magic. Anyway, by the time she’s done telling her teacher this, he asks if he can tell her story. The first thing she wondered was would her story be good enough and would people actually be interested. I was like Oh my God, Paulo, you read my mind. My fav author Paulo (Yes, I’ve decided we are on first name basis) said in the book, “Disappointment, defeat, and despair are the tools God uses to show us the way.” I have literally spent two years thinking about this statement. What is my purpose? Can my purpose change? Why do I feel as if I’m back at the beginning of my life? Which wasn’t fun by the way. All these thoughts coupled with anxiety to be written down in a story, but alas will it ever be good enough? Will it be something someone in this world can relate to? Are the things we read, the day-to-day experiences we go through a sign leading us to our chosen paths? Who chooses said path?
I started this post two days ago and updated it now. It was originally going to be a rant about my hatred towards physical therapy and the grammatical errors I hear while dealing with it. It turned into continuous unanswered questions of daily life. Also, Stephen Hawking passed away which could also be why I’m questioning the universe. So physical therapy has caused unnecessary pain and my family thinks I shouldn’t have to do it 3x/week. I think they forgot I used to do this daily. No wonder nobody has a clue why I hate it so much.
The unknown can be a scary place. Why is a place of wonder a scary place? Is it really fear of getting out of one’s comfort zone in order to pursue so-called dreams? All my life all I’ve ever wanted to do is prove I’m capable of doing as much as anyone else and now I’m not sure how anymore. It really doesn’t help when even people close to me question my normalcy. All this self-doubt rubbing through my mind when I totally think it’ll be fine once I take the step, it usually is.
Now I’m wondering if some force of nature or something is the reason I’ve chosen to read “Brida” before “Aleph” which I had originally started first. I think our environment shapes our thoughts, but more on that later…
I had quite a few things planned for today. Whether or not they got accomplished is another story. I think thinking about planning is an accomplishment in itself. I had planned to go for a 30 minute walk today. I had also planned to write more on the topic of linguistic acquisition through the use of music. I had created this thought that I would research language and music by day and blog by night. Atleast I blog. The one thing I’ve planned to do is write this blog post and not fail at it. You see, lately many of my plans have turned into other plans or as we say, life gets in the way of an original plan. So for me I must say, taking things one step at a time is what I should’ve planned for today and I’m quite glad I was able to accomplish this one major part of my day which was to not fail at something. I had planned to write a blog post on what I was going to do today and I will not fail. I had thought about eating breakfast and going for a walk. Atleast I ate breakfast. I had also planned to read a book. The rest of my day consisted of not writing as I had planned, but atleast thinking about it. That brings me back to trying not to fail at something. I felt that if I could do this one task that could start me on a path to another. I did not want to let anyone down that I had failed in the task of discussing my plan for the day. After my walk and reading I planned to shower (which I did-don’t freak out). I had also planned on going for a drive around town. I wanted to go grocery shopping to pick up some things I wanted to cook. I was planning on going grocery shopping later in the evening. Perhaps even though my day didn’t go as planned, this one accomplishment of discussing my day will set me on a series of productive days. I’ve also just realized I’ve said the word “plan” way too many times.
So today was a rather interesting day. Lately I tend to have ups and downs in my days, more downs than ups. Today was an unusual up. I contemplated a lot today. First, my day started out by being dragged to the grocery store to run errands because well, I’m a grown-up and apparently I have to do grown-up things rather than sleep all day. As I was leaving the grocery store, I happen to spot two monks in orange attire. I figured out they were monks because I’m smart like that and can spot religious attire when I see it. These monks happened to be minding their own business doing whatever they needed to do at the grocery store and everyone else around them were also minding their own business. It made me wonder that if monks can go to a grocery store without being accosted for who they are, so should Muslims. I’m a complete believer in the fact that everyone should be allowed to wear whatever they want and do whatever they want whenever they want. Unfortunately, that’s not always the case.
I, along with everyone else, have read so many things in the news that it’s getting old and tiring very fast. I’ve read several differences in opinions. The support for Muslim rights on social media has been overwhelming. For this, I am grateful.
Today I also went out to dinner with my parents because my dad wanted to have an early birthday dinner for me. Before the dinner we said a prayer, akin to saying Grace before eating. We don’t usually do this, especially in public. Given the timing of the current climate that also got me to thinking about being able to do what we want in public. I think my dad really just wanted to say the prayer because it was celebrating my birthday. Ever since the dinner I’ve been thinking about where I am and where I want to be and how it’s affecting me at this age. Birthdays kind of make people reflect on where they are in life and I’m no exception. I really hope the current climate gets better and we can feel safe to say prayers in public before dinner.
In reflecting on where I am I’ve had to contemplate where I want to work a lot. Ultimately, I’ve always wanted to live overseas. This could very well happen in the near future. I just need to get my act together. At this age, you’d think I’d have my act together, but I don’t. Part of me wants to tell myself that’s OK. I mean, Who Has their live together at 29? The key is taking baby steps. For one thing, I have come to the realization that I need to start being more grateful for my surroundings whether it’s having an expensive dinner with my parents or anything else. If I start being grateful again, I’ll be able to accomplish what I need to and that’s all that matters at this point.
As I sit and stare at my thesis paper, rather than actually write it all I can think about is how am I gonna defend it? Yes, I know, I kind of have to write it before I defend it. However, I end up worrying about how I would defend it particularly if my professor changes her mind and thinks defending it online is crazy and I’ve to go 8hrs to defend it. Not to mention my parents will kill me. I was supposed to have this shit done like 4yrs ago. Better late than never. So the topic is on Linguistic Acquisition Through the Use of Music. I want to talk about music and poetry. Poetry I would probably talk about briefly but ok honestly Music and Poetry are intertwined. Why I have to differentiate between the two totally baffles my mind. Combining all my interests of music and poetry and cultural sensitivity all into a paper about teaching English as a Second Language isn’t easy. Atleast I have different music which is suppose to be motivating. Not much motivates me these days. All I really want to write about is cultural sensitivity. Even then, I start overthinking! I start thinking about how in some educational settings people suck at being culturally sensitive. Then I start thinking about shit going on in the world. Namely Syria. Or people having to leave their homes cuz of the shitty regimes they are trying to get away from. But then also end up either being coerced or persuaded to convert to Christianity from Islam so not only are they leaving their homeland they are leaving their heritage. Could I Be anymore depressed right now? I just watched a lecture basically discussing assimilation vs. acculturation. Acculturation basically means moving to a different country but then not forgetting who you are.
Maybe overthinking isn’t such a bad thing as much as people make it out to be. Just goes to show how I can think of like 50 different things at once. The key is organizing it so I can write a stupid paper. All I want to do is talk about cultural sensitivity and music/poetry. Being a citizen of the entire world can get pretty damn complicated, but that’s for another time.
I just watched a 20 min video on culture vs. religion. Through out the video I could think about was how we were created in different tribes and nations to learn from one another.
Lately all I can think about is how not many people actually follow that principle. Not only do people judge a potential match from where a person is from but what they look like! What happened to the good old days when a person was judged by the content of their character and not by the color of their skin or even their weight?
Earlier today I had a shocking discussion about how this woman was actually asked if their child looked regular. All I could think of was a piece of steak being well done or medium rare. All I want is to be judged by my character and nothing else.