Category: Movie/TV show review

Too many thoughts going through my mind

It’s been several months since my last blog post. That in itself is somewhat of a confession. It’s hard enough getting out of bed some days, let alone writing. In these past several months I’ve come up with topics to write about, I just haven’t done it. This blog is almost like a diary. This is pretty much me trying to find things that make me happy. They say that traveling can make a person happy and if they go places they just end up back where they started. Often times people go and return to where they started, but is it really where they started if they have a new outlook on life? This reminds me of a movie I watched recently with Simon Pegg called, “Hector and the Search for Happiness”. He goes through several places whereby also going through stages in his life trying to find the meaning of happiness. Two points that he made that I remember in particular are avoiding unhappiness is not the road to happiness, or something to that affect, and listening is loving.

I think people have to go through a period of unhappiness to get to happiness. It can’t just happen.  That’s kind of what it said in the movie.  This is how our experiences shape who we become. Even if it can get depressing at times. This is me trying to figure out my place in the world. I’ve always thought I would do something great like some sort of work for the UN helping displaced peoples, but instead I’m stuck at home because people think I can’t handle taking care of myself. I try to tell myself that if I write, it will get better, but I’m not always so sure. What I really want to do is work for this organization that specializes in helping kids with disabilities from foreign countries. I know for the fact I have the qualifications for it, only it’s thousands of miles away. Therein comes the listening part. I honestly feel like there are two kinds of people in my life: those that make me do so much, acting like I don’t have a disability to the point where I’m treated like a slave and those that don’t let me do anything at all to the point where I feel like I’m treated as though I’m physically incapable of doing anything. Maybe the key to happiness is not listening, but observing. Observing leads to accepting.  At this point I’m being required to just settle in a place where I am.  I’ve been told to think of it as a blessing.  That’s easier said than done.

I found out that the organization I wanna work for has a job opening, but as usual I’m too afraid to apply. I’m afraid that I’ll apply and get it and then not be able to go. If I could get this job, my life would be complete. I would be on my way to saving the world. Part of traveling is trying to figure out who you are and where your place in this world is. Not many people I know contemplate what their destiny is. This is quite unfortunate for people my age. Mainly for me because that means people to talk to about my lack of a job because I’m too stubborn to apply for anything else-are seriously out of my reach.

The point of writing is to immerse yourself in a world that’s not your reality.  Or at least that’s how I see writing.  I could come up with a pretty kick-ass story about a girl who time travels.  If I just finish my degree I can have more time for story writing. I’ve decided I should probably start with short stories rather than a novel.  I’ve decided that Jane Austin is one of my influences.  She wrote about happy endings even if she didn’t have one.  I really don’t even want to announce my writing ideas to any one for fear of them getting shut down.  At this point I want to use my writing to fix the world as well as create a world for myself that I can live in.

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Coming up with writing

I have figured out that it’s actually difficult coming up with stuff to write on your own. The other day I watched the movie “The Grand Budapest Hotel”. Granted, I watched the movie because of my obsession with Adrian Brody and not because I would come up with something philosophical to say about the movie itself, but I did think of something.

One of the characters pointed out that writers can’t just come up with stories to write on their own. The character said,

“It is an extremely common mistake. People think the writer’s imagination is always at work, that he’s constantly inventing an endless supply of incidents and episodes; that he simply dreams up his stories out of thin air. In point of fact, the opposite is true. Once the public knows you’re a writer, they bring the characters and events to you. And as long as you maintain your ability to look, and to carefully listen, these stories will continue to…seek you out, uh, over your lifetime. To him, who has often told the tales of others, many tales will be told.”

This is an excellent example of a writer having writer’s block. Something I can totally relate to. I, however, don’t tell the tales of others. What I would like to do is tell my own tale, the problem is I don’t know how. I can’t figure out the most appropriate way to do so. I would like for characters to be brought to me, fictional ones related to real events. This way, people can have lessons from my writing even if it’s fictional. Occasionally my writing might seem biographical. At least I can come up with philosophical things to say from movies. That could very well be my outlet for finding a character to write about. I’ve often thought about script writing. That’s kind of what the character was getting at in my opinion. Through script writing one tells the tales of others. Of course I haven’t done that yet, but it’s just a thought. An outlet for my ever growing imagination regarding everything I have wanted to say but couldn’t until this point.

Top 7 places I’d visit if I were the Doctor

The problem with visiting places whilst being The Doctor is that some things are set, they are fixed points in time and can not be changed. Unless you’re Moffat and decide to bring Clara back from the dead with no pulse. However, I bet I could come up with a top 10 list of my own regardless of what Moffat says, I’m going to pretend like there is no such thing as a fixed point and I can change and do whatever the hell I want. Ok so I came up with 7, not 10 because I can’t think of anymore.

7. Ancient Egypt-Just because it would be fun and The Doctor is only ever in and out of Cardiff and probably Glassglow lol.

6. Pakistan-long before the partian just because I want to actually see history in the making. I may even have to get involved and put in my own opinions on the matter. Thereby changing the future too. Also, I’d love to see a Tardis in the motherland.

5. Four years ago-so I can kick my own butt into finishing my work.

4. A bunch of wars-because I would try to stop them, because I’m the Doctor ok, I can do that single handed.

3. I’d stop by all the civilizations that the Prophets came from and witness their lives first hand.

2. Around 600 AD in the Middle East so I could witness the birth of the Prophet Muhammad (PBUH) and I’d stick around just so I could witness the entire civilization that followed later.

1. Two years ago-so I can save those I care about.

Being the Doctor

So last week, I watched the latest episode of Doctor Who and needless to say, it crushed my soul. That’s putting it lightly. Don’t get me wrong, the episode was GREAT. There was nothing wrong with the episode with regard to the acting, the setting, the soundtrack etc. Everything was perfect. The acting was heart wrenching. The Doctor lost Clara, basically twice. First Clara died. Then he went back and saved her.

In the episodes that followed her death The Doctor mentioned something interesting. He said that (paraphrased because I can’t remember the exact line) when someone dies it doesn’t really sink in, only the days after does it really affect someone. That is so true. This is why I feel like the episodes after her death, particularly the last one were harder to deal with than her actual death. This is definitely something I can relate to, having lost someone and it not really sinking in ’til afterwards. I can understand why Clara told him not to take revenge or be anger and I completely understand why he doesn’t listen.

He’s The Doctor for cryin’ out loud, he doesn’t listen and he doesn’t tell the truth. He’s pretty much me. For the people who know me, they know I suck at both. So I’ve only come to know Doctor Who through the 9-12 doctors. I haven’t watched Classic Who yet, so some things are still very new to me. I’m trying to decide which doctor is my favorite and it’s between 11 and 12 at this point. When I choose favorites I like to choose them based on similar characteristics to me. Kind of reminds me of a famous Punjabi song called “Bulla Ki Jana mein Kaun” basically that means Bullah (famous poet) who I am?!” I can see how Doctor Who would be a series of episodes trying to figure out who you are and what your role in society is. His role, is to be the Doctor as Clara clearly wrote on her chalkboard in the end and he has to take care of the world.

Both phrases in Doctor Who kind of resonate with me, “Run You Clever Boy and Remember” and “Run You Clever Boy and Be a Doctor”. Remember why y0u’re running. Remember that you are the doctor and ultimately there will be no one in this world other than you to fix it. People come and go, as Clara clearly and sadly showed us. It’s up to each individual person to fix the world, we can’t depend on anyone else. Clara will only fly off in a diner Tardis. Be the change you wish to see. Does anyone really have any idea how difficult it is to prove that?

Speaking of the diner Tardis. This brings me to my next point. Is it going to look like that forever because she’s essentially The Doctor now and I don’t think her chameleon circuit works either. I LOVE that she’s basically The Doctor now. She can go anywhere in the world and she chose Galifrey. I totally think there’s meaning behind this, even though it’s wishful thinking on my part. Eventually 12 would have to go back to Galifrey (because isn’t he kind of president? I’m still confused on that) and they would have to meet and then he would realize that she’s the one he saw in the diner. I’m so sad that his memory was wiped even though that’s the way it had to be because he would have never moved on otherwise. He loved her. It was a special kind of love that isn’t in the real world.

So in the end, Clara told him that he must move on in the way she tells him everything. He Must be the Doctor. In the end, that’s all anyone can do. They must keep moving forward and be the Doctor, myself included. It does get hard at times, but with hardship comes ease. I really wish I had a TARDIS.

I have to be the Doctor

So Eid came and went this year. I failed miserably at staying off social media til Eid. I can’t get away. A lot has happened in the past week, hell even in the past month that I can’t even begin to articulate.

I started this post quite some time ago and ended up taking a break from writing. This proved to be an unwise idea. Like I said a lot has happened in the past few months. There have been so many issues in the public sphere which I can’t even begin to address. All I can say is that within the public sphere there is much fear of everyone by everyone. 1. Can’t we all just learn to get along? This is getting pretty old. 2. Like I said it’s getting old. This stuff that Trump is coming up with (I’m not gonna list it because it’s too long) is absurd. I understand that a lot of people have fears about what’s going on. At times I do too. However to be overly paranoid is also ridiculous. This sort of stuff has been going on for ages so why be afraid now? I’m proud of my heritage and who I am, even being  American and I have no intention of moving. That being said. I have other things to worry about than people like Trump.

I need to start writing my thesis, but unfortunately I haven’t been able to seeing as depression gets to me. It’s a miracle I even started writing on here anymore. Maybe this is a good start. Right now I feel like I’m just talking to myself. Why is it that people blame doing nothing all day on depression? For a person with it, it kind of makes sense that it’s physically difficult to do anything all day because of it, not that I have depression because I do nothing. I’m almost 29 years old and feel like I’ve done nothing of importance and yet I can sit here and rant about my thoughts. I wanted to be able to help people at this point. I wanted to be able to work in a disability organization. Earlier I got an email about getting an interview for traveling overseas with a disability. Nobody freaking knows how hard it is to do that. Maybe at the age of 29 I’ll get my shit together and not think about how hard things are and just do it. That’s kind of what I’m realizing at this point that no one will be around to help me I have to help myself. I have to be The Doctor. Yes, I said it. I made a Doctor Who reference in all my misery.